You’ve probably been hearing the news that President Trump is once again talking about moving cannabis to a different “schedule.” Now, unless you’re a pharmacist or someone who collects DEA trivia cards, you might be wondering—what the heck are these schedules anyway? Is it like homeroom? Gym class? Detention?
Not exactly. But kind of.
The U.S. government decided a long time ago to sort drugs into “Schedules” based on how dangerous they are and whether they’re useful in medicine. Spoiler alert: the logic was about as consistent as a stoner explaining why Taco Bell is the best restaurant on Earth.
Let’s take a little field trip through these schedules:
Schedule I: “The Naughty List”
These are substances the government says have no medical use and a high potential for abuse. Examples: heroin, LSD, and yes—our leafy green friend, cannabis.
That’s right. The same plant Grandma uses in her lotion for arthritis is sitting on the same list as heroin. Makes total sense, right?
Schedule II: “The Overachievers”
Drugs with a high risk of abuse but some recognized medical use. Think cocaine (yes, that cocaine), methamphetamine, OxyContin, and fentanyl. Basically, stuff that can help you, but can also ruin your life faster than you can say “Breaking Bad.”
Schedule III: “Middle Management”
Moderate risk, accepted medical use. Anabolic steroids and certain codeine mixes live here. It’s like the suburban cul-de-sac of drug schedules—still risky, but not as scary as the neighborhoods above.
Schedule IV: “The Chill Zone”
Low potential for abuse, wide medical use. Xanax, Valium, Ambien. If Schedule I is a strict Catholic school, Schedule IV is more like a community college where everyone shows up in pajama pants.
Schedule V: “The Hall Pass”
These are the least restricted—like cough syrups with a little codeine in them. Basically, the government shrugs and says, “Yeah, whatever.”
So, Where Does Weed Belong?
Cannabis has been chilling in Schedule I for decades, despite the fact that it has obvious medical uses, from helping cancer patients eat to letting insomniacs finally get some shut-eye. Now there’s talk of moving it to Schedule III, which would at least make it easier for doctors and researchers to use.
But here’s the thing: I don’t think cannabis belongs on the naughty list at all. In fact, I don’t think it should even be in the classroom. It should be completely decriminalized and recognized for what it really is—the least dangerous of drugs when used responsibly.
That said, let’s be real. Weed in the 1980s was like a squirt gun. Today’s THC is more like a firehose. Nobody under 21 should be hitting high-potency products—our brains need time to cook before we start baking them.
Final Thought
So, should cannabis get “rescheduled”? Sure, that would be a step in the right direction. But the ultimate answer is to stop pretending this plant is as dangerous as heroin and give it the freedom it deserves. After all, if cough syrup with codeine gets a hall pass, maybe it’s time to let Mary Jane finally graduate.